Echos of us

You walked up with a friend
I was already there
leaning up against the bar
On impulse I bought your drinks
It didn’t matter
you would have stayed anyway
The conversation was great
We talked about things that didn’t matter
like bartenders, waitresses and cheesy guys at bars
and about things that did matter
like happiness and being right there in that very moment
I wanted to say something about your smile
how it could make someone very happy
We laughed, I remember
I touched your arm and at one point you put your hand on my shoulder to adjust your outfit
I pretended I didn’t notice
Eventually you walked away
fading into the crowd only leaving a trace of that smile
I smiled back
We both knew we would meet again

You disappeared
Days later I still thought about it
No common friends and no phone number
I went back to the place, the same bar
It felt foreign, distant, and dead
I searched on FaceBook, nothing
Destiny, apparantly the thief

I sat with my head in my hands
look up and saw you looking back
It was a friends BBQ
This time I wasn’t letting go

It was great for a while – the best – all of it
talking endless hours
falling asleep
getting ready
going out
staying in
all of it
effortless
It just came to us
Becoming together
Like doing a thing that you were always meant to do

I never told you but some nights I would thank God

It lasted a while
then something happened
I don’t know what either but everything changed
The harder we tried the more it fell apart
Now it was all work
waking up, sitting down, making plans, visiting friends
We hated each other
The sound of my laughter, your voice on the phone, the way I brush my teeth
texting on the phone, all the time, both of us
The arguments were angry now, so was the sex

It was the night I went silent, that was our last night
I still rememeber
In our dining room, the lights seemed so bright
I was standing with my hands sprawled on the table
I stared at its emptiness and it filled me with calm
I could still hear your voice but I couldn’t make out the words anymore
At some point you stopped
The next day you were gone

We destroyed love and then complained when it disappeared
We lost a piece of ourselves
and now travel the world as a little less
I hid my friends on facebook
couldn’t bear to see your name on their posts

I saw you once
I stood motionless
as the crowd around me swayed from one direction to another
You were laughing
You put your hand on his chest
He put his around your waist
He was smiling
You didn’t see me peering through the crowd
or hear the echos of us that came from within me

The girl in front of me
can’t take her eyes off me
I can’t even remember her name
I stay for a while
not sure what i’m hoping for

I stay awake all night
remembering and regretting
The girl next to me needs me more than I need her
I have to get rid of her

In the morning she lingered
The anger I had towards myself
I direct at her
Bystander
Filling a hole that can’t be filled

I spend the day thinking it through
The choices we make shape the rest of our lives
I rethink the drink at the bar
Despite it all
I feel grateful
that in the story of your life my name will be mentioned

One Comment

  1. A beautiful story, Sukh. Raw. Deeply human. You touch upon the truth of love -that it isn’t all roses, that when it cuts, it cuts deep. Yet despite all the darkness and pain, there is that sincere gratitude of just being a part of someone’s story. One likes to think back to the moment when it all began and wonder, “what if?” We grapple with the unknowns, the turns taken and not taken, but know in our heart it couldn’t have been any different.

    Reply

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