Chapter 1

Reena darted out as soon as Dr. Swanson announced that class was over. Her fellow classmates sleepily gathered their belongings and swayed only slowly towards the exit doors. Reena, however, was on a mission. A few hours of Biology review awaited her in the Library. Although she always aced her exams she still panicked every time a quiz was announced. Her parents never applied any unreasonable pressure on her, and frankly were downright surprised at how she turned out. They wondered where she got it from: the drive to succeed, the despair when she did fail, and then the ambition to try harder the next time around. She made sacrifices of her own accord – giving up spending time with cousins so that she could solve some bizarre algebraic equation that no one expected her to. Her parents worried for a while, wondering if her obsession was healthy, afraid that she wouldn’t become the well-rounded female they wanted her to be, but nothing they did altered her course. She attended the family events as expected, practiced the obligatory dances for family weddings, learned just when to stop the tea from boiling, even perfected the art of pleating a sari pallu, and still kept up with her school studies. Eventually they gave up and finally just accepted her for who she was.

Her fellow classmates loitered around the building lobby catching up on the latest relationship gossip and making plans for the weekend, but for Reena, they were all only getting in the way. She maneuvered her way through the crowd, blasted open the doors of Beecher Hall and entered into the brisk open air of the courtyard. Without missing a step, she bolted towards Regenstein Library.

Sid walked out of the gym casually. He popped in his earbuds and tuned out the world to the beats of Silverspoon Pickups. These days he generally felt happier, keenly aware of the bolt of confidence that a good work out gave him. He kept a lazy eye out over the campus, to see if anyone might be keeping an eye on him. He headed towards the library; a few hours of Computer Science homework awaited him there. He dreaded the work, but decided to skip the usual Campus Coffee pit stop anyway.

They came from separate entrances but arrived at the elevator at the same time. Two sleepy eyed students were already inside awkwardly waiting for the steel doors to close. Reena reached in to prop the sliding doors back open. Sid slid in after her. They both reached for the number ‘6’ at the same time; Reena because she knew it was the quietest floor of the library, and Sid because he needed a new place to actually get some work done. Sid usually sat in the basement where the rest of the Indian crew sat. Boys and Girls often socialized there, all under the guise of preparing for school work. Many times the attending librarian came in sternly to squash the laughter, giggles, and outright cacophony of voices. Reena had never sat in the basement.

It wasn’t as if their hands had touched or anything, but something happened in that moment. Sid slipped off his earbuds, Reena smiled back, and that was it. By the time the elevator opened up on the 6th floor they were already chatting as friends.

She lingered for a moment, but logic kicked in too quickly. She waved goodbye and headed to a hidden desk buried somewhere behind shelves of unwanted books. Sid walked off in the opposite direction, not quite sure where he was headed. A few hours later he walked around the entire floor examining random books on various shelves. With no sign of her, he grabbed his duffle bag, popped his earbuds back in, and headed home.

Chapter Two

Sid found himself thinking about her more regularly. It didn’t help that he kept bumping into her everywhere: at the cafeteria, in between buildings, walking in from the parking lot. They would always stop and chat for a while and not once did it feel awkward. She felt at ease whenever he was around, even if impending doom of a Biology Exam was around the corner.

When she was with her friends, she would still stop to say ‘Hi’, and would introduce him to the other girls. Some of them already knew him but had never given him any attention before. Now, they paid a closer look. They commented on how soft his eyes were, how funny he was, or that he worked out. Her friends were pleasant, sure, but secretly he always hoped that he would bump into her alone. She didn’t act any differently when her friends were around. She still laughed at his jokes and still caught up with him on life’s nonsensical moments.

One day one of her friends gave him a little more attention than expected. She boldly asked for his phone number and Sid awkwardly obliged. He shot a glance at Reena but she was absorbed in conversation. Sid never returned the phone call.

Religion never really mattered. In those days, before they grew into adults, all they knew was that there was some path, and to be on it all you had to do was fall in love with everything around you. Still, one day, during Friday prayers, as he looked right, then left, and gave homage to the ‘one’, a fear struck into his heart, that her parents would never accept him. He stayed behind after prayers were over to think things through, and partly to seek forgiveness for succumbing to a worldly fear during a time when he should be most solid in faith. He whispered a little ‘Insha’Allah’ to himself and left the hall. Feeling the strength of the laws of nature behind him, he decided that he would soon tell Reena how he felt.

 

Baskhar dished the ball to Kenny driving up from the right side. Sid who was guarding Baskhar looked away only for a moment to catch Kenny’s next move but it was already too late. Baskhar had already beaten Sid on the step. Baskhar accelerated towards the basket and sure enough, a dish back from Kenny came at the right time. With Sid catching up behind, Baskhar rose to the air, and dropped in the uncontested layup. That was game.

Sid leaned forward trying to catch his breath. Baskhar, not known for his humility, swung his hips from side to side and let out his world-famous jingle ‘munde kande baskhar baskhar’. The bhangra jam had come and gone years ago but Baskhar would ensure that it remained entrenched into their minds forever.

Basketball was a new thing for the Indo-Americans studying at the University of Chicago – most of them had stuck to hockey but Baskhar was determined to group people together in an activity that he was already good at. He was brought up in Oakland where he shot hoops with Asian, Mexican and African Americans alike. Baskhar claimed that a few neighborhood teams in the Bay had seen him take outside shots and insisted that he play with them. In reality he had struggled to fit in when his family moved from Amritsar. Determined to make a mark in his new world he practiced his jump shot every night, convinced his parents to get a basketball hoop in the driveway and even took a young adults basketball class. Now in Illinois, he had a unique opportunity to show off his acquired skills to his less capable peers.

Sid didn’t mind, nor did any of the other players. Baskhar organized the games and everyone enjoyed the workout. Baskhar was entertaining, had a way the ladies, and typically always knew what parties were coming up. For a while he had a white girlfriend. She would pop into the gym just to watch him play. Back then, it was laughable. She was more subservient than any of their moms. Whereas most of the Indian girls on campus were fierce in their liberation, none of them even knew how to cook, Stacey, on the other hand, would do anything asked. It entertained everyone, but mostly annoyed Baskhar. He would never introduce her as his girlfriend, but if nothing else of importance was happening, he could always be found at her apartment.

One day, as expected, they broke up and she was never seen again. She even started ignoring the crew in the hallways. She tried dating another Indian guy on campus for a while but he didn’t keep her for long either. No one ever found out what eventually happened of her; just another person whose life intertwines with others for a while, and then moves on to somewhere else. The crew talked about that once – after shooting pool at a local bar they went back to Baskhar’s house and contemplated the nature of the universe. They were convinced that people come in to their lives to stay only for the duration of time they were meant to. Determined to relish in the fleeting moments they had with one another, they agreed to never feel bitter about any parting of ways. Sid looked around the room, and wondered which of his friends would stay and which ones would part ways eventually.

 

Baskhar and Sid walked out of the gym and headed to the cafeteria. They always craved the usual A&W hamburgers after a good workout. In the middle of devouring their food at the cafeteria tables, Sid noticed Reena and a friend walking up. He straightened up while Baskhar kept going on about recent NBA trades and how the playoffs were going to be the best ever this year. He was in mid-sentence when Reena walked up to say her ‘hellos’. She introduced her friend to Sid, and Sid introduced Reena to Baskhar. They invited the ladies to sit but after glancing at one another Reena and her friend decided that they had to be elsewhere. Sid waved goodbye as they walked away but Baskhar was already biting into his burger. ‘No manners,’ Sid thought to himself, but still smiled at how carefree Baskhar always seemed.

As they left the cafeteria, Baskhar, still immersed in his meal, uttered the words, “She’s cute.”

 

Chapter 3

Sid didn’t see Reena for a while, which was completely acceptable as he was still building up the courage to reveal his true emotions. She instead was focused on exams, and always retired to her hidden table on the 6th floor of the library.

Sid caught a glimpse of her walking in between buildings one day. He walked up to say ‘hello,’ but she was distracted. She had an exam the next day and apologized for being abrupt.

Time elapsed, the days turned into weeks. Students inevitably got through their exams. They received their grades – most were relieved it was over, some were ecstatic, and some disappointed. Almost all of them felt as if they could use a drink. So the drinking ensued, the local bars mushroomed with students from all departments. Many new relationships were formed in those times. Students that had sat next to one another for months now found themselves for the first time locked lip-to-lip.

The Indo-Americans weren’t any different. They skipped the local pubs, but in exchange rampaged the club scene. They chose to get dressed up in nicer clothes but that only made the drunkenness more awkward. It’s one thing to be drunk in t-shirt and jeans, and another to be tripping over high heels in a mini-skirt.

Sid went out one night at the behest of friends. He typically avoided the club scene. He had partied heavily in high school and in one drunken conversation with Allah had decided that it wasn’t the righteous path for him. Still, he had wanted to let loose, and also knew that Reena was planning on being in attendance. He hung out at the bar for a while, then spent some time walking around having short conversations with folks he recognized from school. A few girls wanted to maintain conversation but he didn’t know how to keep it going. He never truly understood what interested females.

He saw Reena from a distance and immediately recognized the bulky figure swooning over her. Baskhar. At first he felt protective, and wanted to rush to Reena’s aid, but when he took another glance he saw her soaking Baskhar’s words in. Baskhar was making some hand gesture which Sid couldn’t make out from the distance, but Reena was laughing hysterically. Sid stopped, and watched as life started to shrink around him. The music, the conversations, and the sound of drinks being poured all hushed to a great silence. He turned to the bar beside him, looked straight at the bartender and ordered a shot of vodka.

Sid, now contained, walked up and noticed that a whole slew of his other friends were also hanging about. The crew let out a cheer when they noticed Sid. Baskhar immediately rushed Sid and demanded to know where he had been this whole time. Reena smiled and gave Sid a tight hug. None of it mattered. A set of events were already set in motion. A ship had sailed and a path already charted. Reena was visibly tipsy, Baskhar was well on his way to become belligerent, and despite a few shots, Sid was remarkably sober.

The night eventually ended. Sid excused himself when he couldn’t bear it any longer. Reena pleaded for him to stay but was easily distracted when one of her friends screamed something that didn’t make any sense. Baskhar was nowhere in sight, and Sid without saying goodbye to anyone else walked out only to find that the celebration had spilled over into the street. Drunk smokers, curious first-night lovers, and taxi cabs all froze that moment in time.

Several weeks later it was becoming more and more official. Baskhar and Reena would arrive together at parties, and were sometimes seen studying together in the basement. Baskhar didn’t keep up with organizing the basketball games anymore, and Reena also was missing in action when her friends would walk up in the cafeteria. Sid, on the other hand, had disappeared altogether. At first he avoided the library, then he stopped showing up for classes, and eventually he couldn’t even be found in the gym. The last to go was the mosque. He was seen at one last Friday prayer, and seemed in a rush to get out.

Rumors about him floated for a while. Some said he had joined a gang, others had seen him all inked up. Someone else said that he had joined the army and had gone off to Iraq. Everyone was concerned for a while, but as all emotions ultimately lose against the battle of time, eventually everyone moved on. One night Reena asked Baskhar about it but Baskhar didn’t know how to respond. Sid had never revealed his true feelings about Reena to Baskhar, but still, something gnawed at Baskhar: a fear that Sid’s disappearance was somehow his fault. At first Baskhar was relentless in pursuit, calling Sid’s parents, showing up at his house, but when even Sid’s parents stopped responding, Baskhar also let it go.

It’s possible that Sid was just one of those people who was meant to intertwine with their lives for only a certain period of time – someone who would be both friend and stranger during the course of one lifetime.

 

Chapter 4

Baskhar and Reena were married now. It was a wedding of the ages. As if the surprise proposal on a sightseeing trip to India wasn’t enough, Baskhar actually sang to Reena at the wedding. He had taken singing lessons and practiced for months. Still, in that moment, none of the practice and preparation mattered – the guests could barely hear the words through his sobbing and tears. She was also a wreck, bawling with her carefully crafted make-up dribbling down her face. They embraced right there on the dance floor, tears and all, and despite how awkward public displays of affection are at weddings, the entire crowd also got silent.

Their relationship was much the same, it was real. If they needed to be affectionate with one another, they would be, and if that need didn’t exist, they wouldn’t be. It wasn’t that they were always on the same page, it’s just that they were able to influence each other in subtle ways that for most couples required explicit communication.

Baskhar never lost his edge. He still partied, was still the life of any celebration, and still made inappropriate comments as often as possible. Reena didn’t mind – she knew his heart. She let loose every now and then too, and loved him more when he would encourage it out of her. They were friends in that way. Sometimes she would feel guilty about celebrating too hard, but he would remind her that in the universe everything was good. Her parents had finally accepted him. At first they were taken aback by the larger Punjabi Sikh boy about to damage the innocence of their young Gujarati flower. He had held back his pranks in the beginning to win them over but it never worked. Her father was always disappointed.

Reena and Baskhar had a huge fight one night. She had asked him once more to be patient, and to try to understand her parents’ struggle. He became irate, and she finally realized how hard he was trying to win her parents over. The next time he was invited over to her parents she didn’t say a word about how to behave or what to wear. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway; he had already reached his end. Things were calm during dinner but afterwards everything erupted. Her Dad once again made a comment to Baskhar about the Sikh faith, and about how he didn’t want his daughter married off into a Punjabi family. This time Baskhar didn’t hold back. He didn’t say a word to defend his faith, but rather laid into her father about parenthood. By the time all was said and done, Reena’s father sat alone in the living room. Her mother, standing frozen in the kitchen, stared out into space. Dirty dishes gathered in the sink, and a tray of mango ice cream lay melting on the dining room table. Baskhar agreed to leave Reena if in fact her father wanted to put his own wishes ahead of his daughter’s. With one final ultimatum, Baskhar turned to Reena and said that if her own father didn’t want to see her happy, despite how it would kill him inside, he too would have to let her go. Baskhar walked out. Without saying a word, minutes later, Reena did too.

No one knows if Reena’s mother had a talking with her husband that night, but the very next day Reena’s parents came to visit Baskhar’s. Everything was cemented that evening. When Reena’s father tried to apologize, Baskhar wouldn’t hear any of it, and just gave his new future father-in-law a big Punjabi hug. From that moment on, Baskhar was the life of the party even in the Patel household. Her father, not much of a drinker, actually started keeping Crown Royal in the house, and Baskhar would force it upon him whenever he came over.

Years passed. They grew into their relationship. The still loved each other but it wasn’t the crazy kind of love it used to be. Now they sat at home sometimes quiet, sometimes reading, sometimes watching TV. They thought about having kids but also liked the peace and quiet that surrounded them. They visited each other’s parents, met with friends, but mostly they grew into a couple that enjoyed their quiet moments at home.

It was a Wednesday night. Reena had stayed late working on a briefing that was due to a client by the end of the week. Her affair with pre-med had come to an end and instead she had opted for a joint business – law degree. She now helped prepare legal briefings on small to mid-size companies that larger clients were interested in purchasing. Sometimes this involved meeting with the target company’s management, always it involved diving into their public disclosures, and sometimes it involved some recon work to try to get information that the company might not divulge.

It had been a busy time of the year and she wasn’t getting her usual workouts in. The weather had been exceptional this summer and she hadn’t had any time to enjoy the pathways around Lake Michigan. Tonight she was determined to get a run in. She pulled into the small parking lot at Roger’s Beach and did some quick stretches outside her car. She plugged in her headphones and headed south, hoping to catch the final glimpses of the sun coming down as she ran north on her way back. The run was more beautiful than expected. Families out with barbeques, children playing with husky dogs, runners pushing baby strollers, and many staring contently out into the view by themselves. She stopped at a few places along the way to take pictures with her phone, wanting to share the beauty of the day with her husband. She ran out a little too far and had to walk a bit on the way back. She checked the time and knew that Baskhar would be upset that she was out so late. She picked up the pace again and was back at her car while the night slowly fell around her.

As she reached for the door handle, she noticed a reflection of something moving behind her. She turned quickly to take a better look but was side-swiped by something that knocked her on the floor. She felt dazed but wasn’t sure where she had been hit. She put her weight on her hands as she tried to push herself up, but someone grabbed her hair and yanked her back down to the earth. This time she landed backwards with her legs in front of her. She reached behind her and felt rock hard forearms gripped to her hair.

She didn’t know what was happening. Was she about to be raped, killed, kidnapped, was there anything worse? The man holding her down hadn’t said a word, nor had she even had a chance to look at his face. She tried again to push herself up, but something hard came down on her face this time, knocking her out completely.

When she came to, her hands were collapsed together by the man’s steel tight grip, and she was being dragged backwards. She saw her legs dangle in front of her, but was too dazed to conjure up any movement. She knew where they were headed. On one end of the parking lot was a small dark bathroom. He could have his way with her there. She knew what was coming but also knew that she had one last fight left in her. Right now, all she could do was breathe calmly to try to get her head straight.

She gripped the floor loosely beneath her – not to stop the assault but only to slow it so that she could calculate her next response. Should she scream to get help, would that only infuriate him more? Should she fight back, should she comply, should she cry, should she try to escape? Finally, after what seemed liked too long, she opened her mouth in the hopes that the right response would automatically find its way. What she heard wasn’t her own voice. ‘Hey’ came the call from someone far behind them. It was a man’s voice. At once she felt relieved and dropped abruptly to the earth as the grip on her loosened. She turned to look, saw her assailant take flight behind the bathroom and noticed a tall thin man run swiftly in pursuit. She got her wits together, ran back towards her car, and found her car keys on the cold gravel floor. The next few moments were a blur. Unlock door, get inside, insert key, turn ignition, reverse, accelerate, stop, put car in drive, turn wheels, accelerate, accelerate, accelerate. When she was a good block away, she picked out her cell phone from her purse and punched 911 on the dial.

The cops met her at a 7-11 five blocks away. She was still shaken but was able to provide the police with the details of the encounter. She had, at last, taken a good look at the assaulter, and could even describe some characteristics of her rescuer.

Baskhar knew something was wrong as soon as he heard her voice. After her first two or three words it was hard to make out what she was saying. As calm as she had been in her conversation with the 911 operator, when she heard her husband’s voice, she lost it. In between the sobs Baskhar could make out the gist of what had happened. Within two minutes of the phone call he was already backing out of the driveway.

Kingsley, the first officer on the scene at 7-11, went to scour the area of the assault after getting a brief description of the assailant from Reena. He didn’t let on as much, but the entire department had been looking for a sexual predator in the area for months. His heartbeat picked up as he sped through the streets back to the parking lot of Roger’s Beach. This would be the closest opportunity the department had encountered in capturing this guy.

 

Just when their nerves were starting to settle down at home, the ringing of the phone startled Reena and Baskhar back to reality. It was the police deputy, asking if Reena could come into the police station to help identify the perpetrator. Baskhar wasn’t sure if Reena was up for it, but she obliged anyway. She hadn’t called her parents yet, and needed an activity that kept her preoccupied while she gathered her wits. A necessary trip to the police station sounded like the perfect excuse when her parents would eventually ask why she didn’t call earlier.

At the station, she easily identified the man who had assaulted her. The police were grateful that she had come in on such short notice; the recency of the attack meant for a more credible identification. As she was leaving the identification room, they asked her if she wanted to meet the other witness: the man who had saved her.

They went into a bare room with dull lights beaming from above, two-way mirrors clearly embedded into an entire wall, and a grey desk with chairs lined neatly dead center in the room. It was clear that this room doubled for interrogation activities. She saw him sitting at the desk just as she had described to the police officers: jeans, canvas shirt, 5’9″, medium length hair, skinny. As Reena watched the man lift his gaze off from the table to look directly at her, she let out a little shriek. As if a ghost had come back from the dead, Sid Rashid in the flesh had just saved her.

 

Chapter 5

Sid was a new person. His mannerisms of old were nowhere to be found. The shy quietness, the boyish charm, that eagerness to fit in, were all lost somewhere in a world that belonged to his past. Now he was quiet, not because of a shyness, but because something inside of him had been dulled. His eyes didn’t spark like they used to, they didn’t wander anymore, they just stared straight ahead into an emptiness that only he could see.

Even that day at the police station he didn’t exchange any pleasantries, as if the times that had existed in the past hadn’t happened at all. He detailed out his role that evening with exact precision. What he was doing, what he saw, how he reacted, and then finally how he ended up at the police station. He seemed to take no pride in his heroic act, and seemed even less concerned with Baskhar’s and Reena’s well-being. It sounded as if he was simply doing a duty.

He acknowledged the time that had passed between them, but didn’t ask how their lives had shaped over the years, and of course made no attempts to fill in any gaps of his own. Baskhar and Reena didn’t intrude either. He seemed content in a life that didn’t include them. They did embrace him though in that cold witness room, and when he held them in his arms, it felt as if even that embrace was a favor to their benefit.

Over time they tried again to reconnect with him – genuinely happy to at least know his whereabouts, and of course grateful for the role he played in pulling their family back from the brink of tragedy. They told him stories, pretended nothing had changed, and yet nothing penetrated through. When they did finally ask him about his life they only got pieces back: shortly after his disappearance he had joined the army, spent a year and half in Iraq, was discharged, and had been doing odd jobs since he returned. He never seemed comfortable talking about himself.

No one could figure out why he was discharged from the army or what happened in Iraq. He was praying fervently now – attending the mosque more regularly than ever. He had found a small home in downtown and didn’t seem to have too many friends.

Sometimes he would surprise everyone, say something wildly funny and laugh out loud, but it was just an aberration. It was as if he was embarrassed of his laughter – as soon as it launched into the air, he would abruptly pull it back inside.

The old crew was of course worried about him, but in many ways they were all just glad that he was back. As different as he was, something about him was the same. He would always still be one of them.

Baskhar and Reena invited him for dinner one evening. He arrived late, looking sharp and brought a gift. Baskhar poured himself a drink. Sid wasn’t drinking again and just shook his head when Baskhar offered. Reena was unusually quiet, spending most of her time in the kitchen preparing the final touches on a full course Indian meal. Papadams, achar, raita, salad, rotis, chawal, daal, sabzi, and fruit custard. The house smelled wonderful.

It didn’t need to be said but Baskhar said it anyway. He thanked Sid again for saving Reena. Sid thought through how to respond but couldn’t find the right words in time. The moment passed, and a deep silence carried them through it. He continued to pick away at his food. Reena had prepared a halal meal, but Sid ate very little anyway.

In the long silences that evening, random thoughts flickered through Sid’s mind. As he took in his surroundings, he wondered how his life would have been if things had happened differently. Could this have been his life: this home, this meal, even Reena? For now, he was just borrowing someone else’s moments. His mind wandered some more and he recollected how he got here.

 

Chapter 6

Heartbroken over news of Baskhar and Reena’s relationship, Sid bumped into an Army recruiter at college. Fred, a Staff Sergeant, was a level E7 – a higher rank than most Army Recruiters. Fred had been doing this for years and knew right away that Sid would be perfect for the army. Sid approached Fred at an information session on campus. Sid had a firm grip, and definitely seemed like he needed a new adventure. Over the next several weeks Fred and Sid met many times over coffee. At every meeting Sid had questions that Fred patiently answered. Questions about what level Sid would enter the Army in, what the difference between the Army and the Marines was, how long he would have to be stationed before he could return home. Fred explained thoroughly, knowing perfectly well that the more time he spent with Sid the greater the likelihood that Sid would sign up. Everytime, the conversation would veer towards something personal. Sid would divulge a little about his life, and Fred would also share about his own. Fred was married with two kids. For some reason, the fact that Fred had been in the Army himself and was now married with a family, appealed to Sid. More and more Sid began to see his own life shape itself in front of him. After signing the paperwork, Sid looked Fred directly in the eye and with perfect posture took Fred’s hand tightly in one final handshake.

Sid didn’t discuss the decision over with family or friends. No parental consent was required and Sid signed off on the one life that had been gifted to him.

The first year was great. He got to work out regularly and was surrounded by peers with struggles similar to his own. It didn’t matter that he was Muslim or Brown-Asian. In a sick and twisted way, the brotherhood of the Army reminded him of the brotherhood he felt with fellow Muslims at the mosque. They protected each other, pushed each other, and loved each other in a way that only a war could inspire.

He learned to shoot rifles, drive a tank, assemble and disassemble bombs. He learned surveillance techniques, how to read people, and how best to obtain information from others. He became more and more fearless in the world. After a while he wasn’t even afraid of his Army superiors but continued to subjugate himself to maintain order in the hierarchy.

He liked being away from home. His peers missed family, missed their girlfriends, missed their old friends, but Sid had no interest in his old world.

Then everything changed. The Sergeant Major called him into his office, and with no emotion whatsoever told Sid that he was going to be stationed in Iraq in 3 weeks. The Sergeant rattled off a list of activities that needed to happen prior to the departure but Sid couldn’t register the words anymore. In three weeks he was on a plane headed to the worst place on earth. He sent a note to his parents and disappeared.

When the note arrived, his mother called the station repeatedly for days, many times angrily, and many times in tears, but Sid had already left. Having reached his own end, eventually Sid’s father yelled at her to accept the situation, and with everything now bottled up, she went about her day to day activities but found the world a little less colorful than how she had always seen it.

Iraq was very different than Army camp. Here the soldiers were confused. Death was always around the corner and they were never quite sure why they were sent here. They had been told of an evil that only they could stop, but here they found people willing to die for its cause. It made the soldiers weak – not being able to trust their own intentions. They made mistakes. They killed civilians, peed on prisoners, accidently killed one another, and even raped local girls. The war that didn’t make sense outside now raged inside of them. The evil they set out to destroy, destroyed them. It made the Army weak, they all looked at one other with a little less respect. It made the entire United States weak. The world, and possibly even God if he was watching, stopped trusting them.

Eventually Sid tuned out and resorted to just following orders again. His first kill made him numb to the world. Years later he would still wake up with it playing in his mind, with the same colorful vibrancy of the real thing.

Ambushed as they were driving through a small town, bullets start to spray down from all directions. Somehow their vehicle makes its way to the side of the road next to a brick building. Sid spills out of the back seat of the jeep, onto the dry gravel, and sits against the passenger door. Now sandwiched between the building and the vehicle, he looks straight up and knows that they have to move fast – someone could easily head up to the roof of the building and have a clear shot at them. He sits for a while, letting the training of the years penetrate into him. He pays attention to the sounds of gunfire around him. Instinctively he peers around the jeep and lets out a round of gunfire. A few of his bullets take down an older gentleman dressed in all grey.

The dream then usually goes black – and he wakes up drenched in his own sweat. In most versions of the dream, the man usually has a rifle in his hands, in some of the dreams the old man is unarmed. In some of his dreams that old man is a woman, and sometimes even a child. Years later even Sid forgets what truly happened and starts to retell the story differently every time. He doesn’t remember how they all escaped but they did, none of them harmed, physically anyway.

It happened consistently for many months – the ambushes during the long drives. Sometimes he wasn’t even sure where they were headed or why their activities even mattered. He wondered if their role was simply to draw out the local insurgents – to serve as bait. They became weary of those they met along the way. Little boys with soccer balls, old ladies with baskets of produce, stern looking men walking home after a honest day’s work. Everyone would lose it at some point. The calmest of officers would start yelling at ladies in a shopping complex, one private slapped a kid who wasn’t paying attention. The adult men they encountered were treated worse. They were trying to take over a country that could never be theirs.

Sid heard the call to prayer from a faraway mosque one evening as they were driving through a new area. The same melody he had shunned out from his life found its way into his heart again – in a moment he least expected. Army gear all around him, hunting for villains on Muslim soil, he heard a call that beckoned him back home. In an instant he was awakened, and felt ashamed of the uniform he was wearing.

He started praying regularly, this time seeking forgiveness. Some of his Army peers found new respect for him. They were enamored by his discipline to pray regularly and to refrain from the so-called social ills that were prevalent in their combat culture. Many of them would talk to him in the evenings about the message of the Q’uran. He wasn’t afraid and would clearly point out what the US army was doing against God’s will. Still, many others ridiculed him. It didn’t matter though, once again Sid had found a conviction that couldn’t be shaken by the world around him.

Many of his superiors became concerned about his demotivating influence on other soldiers and he was eventually discharged. He returned home only to feel out of place again. His mother had changed considerably. She didn’t know if she could be affectionate, light-hearted, or chatty around Sid. She was always on guard. His mother’s broken heart always apparent in every interaction.

His dad hadn’t changed much – he still always kept to himself. When Sid finally found a job, he moved out immediately. His parents didn’t resist; they all had dinner as usual at home and the next day he was gone. It was better this way. Now when he would return on the weekends, sometimes for dinner, they would chat freely for a while, put up appearances, and as he left, everyone would feel back at ease again.

His Mom would secretly thank Allah that her son hadn’t been killed out there. His Dad, on the other hand, had already let go of him.

 

Chapter 7

Baskhar walked Sid to his car as Reena cleaned up inside. It was a pleasant evening. The weather had been great all weekend after a few weeks of rain. People were still out enjoying what little summer evenings they could. They walked in silence but when they got to the car Baskhar couldn’t resist any longer.

“What happened to you?” asked Baskhar.

Sid stayed quiet for a while. He didn’t want to reveal his heartbreak that took place many years ago, and wasn’t even sure what Baskhar was asking. “Everything changed,” replied Sid. “I think there was always something a little broken inside of me, and I had to go through this long journey to find out what it was.” After another brief pause Sid continued, “In Iraq I did some things I’ll never be able to forgive or forget. I took the lives of my own people and I don’t know where that leaves me in the only judgment that matters.”

Baskhar didn’t interrupt, letting his friend say all that he needed to.

They both stayed quiet for a bit, watching the faint light of the evening fade away. Little stars had started to pop up above them, as a reminder that tiny bits of light were always everlasting in the vast darkness of our world. “I appreciate all the love from you, and from Reena.” Sid started again, this time looking directly at Baskhar. “I really am sorry for disappearing for all those years, I know that it was unfair. Right now I feel like I’m just getting things pieced back together, but it’s still a long journey.”

Baskhar put his arms around Sid and in that embrace said the only thing he could, “You know we are both here for you if you ever need anything.”

Sid took the long way home that night. He drove by his parents’ place and looked up at the moon peeking through the clouds. He fought back tears as he stared out into the universe, feeling like he had altered the course of nature by not being the best person he could have been. He parked, nearby to where Baskhar and he used to play basketball on the weekends, and finally cried.

He returned home late into the night and knew what he had to do. He sat in the living room with a notepad, a stack of envelopes, and a cup of coffee. He started. His first letter was to his mother.

After 29 letters were sealed and marked to addressees he got up off the couch and made another batch of coffee. His right hand sore from all that writing, he looked outside and saw the early signs of a morning coming to greet him. “Today will be the day,” he thought to himself.

He went downstairs to his unfinished basement and started the next phase of his project. The rope he had pulled out from the garage dragged behind him. He tossed one end of the rope over the ceiling beams and tied a knot to secure it in place. “Years of army training finally coming in handy,” he chuckled to himself. With the other end, he created an elaborate noose and let it dangle overhead.

He soaked in the bathtub for hours, the noise of the television from the living room providing him solace. He reread a couple of the letters, and resealed them, wanting to make sure he was conveying the right message. He reopened the letter to Reena and omitted certain things before resealing it finally. He loved her.

Now clean, with all the preparations complete, he sat down to pray one last time. He rose, went downstairs, stepped on the chair he had placed accurately in the center of the room, and stepped up. He looked around, to take one final look, ensuring that everything was in its proper place. He pulled the noose around his neck, tightened it slightly, felt the bristles of the ropes poke into his skin and let out a deep breath. He paused for a moment, closed his eyes, and brought all of his awareness into the room, into his body, and into his breath. He opened his eyes, and just before letting go of the chair underneath him, he heard the sound of the television upstairs. He contemplated only for a moment, and knew that he had to first turn the television off.

Back upstairs, he glanced at the CNN coverage beaming through his 32″ flat screen television while reaching for the remote. Instead of hitting the ‘off’ button he found himself drawn back onto the couch as the scenes streaming through the television looked eerily familiar. The newscaster was interviewing someone that Sid had seen before. He paid a little more attention to find out what was happening.

It was now August 5th, 2012, a Sunday, and the Sikh Temple of Milwaukee was under attack. Sid got up, felt the entire universe vacuum into himself and went into his bedroom. He threw on a change of clothes, grabbed his Glock 22 from the closet and rushed out the door.

 

Chapter 8

He drove by Baskhar’s and Reena’s on the way up to Milwaukee. With the gun hidden under the front passenger seat he jumped out and rushed to their front door. When he arrived, he didn’t ring the doorbell but instead just tried the front door. It was open. He walked in and saw the two of them glued to their television set. Baskhar got up when he saw Sid. They both threw their arms around each other and when they finally did pull apart, Baskhar for the first time in front of Sid had tears in his eyes. Reena, realizing that she was witnessing something incredible take place, stayed seated.

All three of them were in the car in a few minutes, and quickly headed up the 94 freeway towards Oak Creek.

Howell Ave was shut off all the way from Drexell Ave. It was a media frenzy with numerous interviews taking place simultaneously. They parked nearby and walked as close as they could to the temple. Many of the temple attendees were gathering there, many of whom were in tears, some wanting to go back inside, either to search for loved ones, or to hunt down the killer themselves. The police were there, in numbers, trying to contain the situation. No one knew what was going on, how many had been killed, how many killers there were, or whether the killings had stopped. Worse yet, no one knew why it was happening.

Sid, unable to use his military experience as an excuse to be let through to the temple, walked through the gathering crowd. He bumped into a heavier set lady who was crying uncontrollably. She was wearing a faded blue salwar, and was using her chunni to dry her eyes and to cover her face. Sid wasn’t sure what to say but she just leaned into him. They held each other for a while, Sid sometimes stroking her back just to let her know that he was there. Eventually one of her relatives showed up and the lady disappeared back into the crowd.

The three of them worked together – mainly to make sure that folks in the crowd felt safe and cared for. Sid and Reena did a run to a local Starbucks and brought coffee and snacks back for the people gathered at the police line. Sid walked around and offered bottles of water to some of the folks there. In his mind, the rebuilding had already begun.

They drove back late into the evening. It was a quiet drive, each of them swimming through ideas of what this incident meant to the world around them. They vowed to come back to the Sikh Temple again during the week, just to see if there was anything else they could do. It didn’t even cross anyone’s mind that Reena was Hindu and that Sid was Muslim.

Sid dropped them off in front of the house and declined their invitation to come inside. It was late and he had a lot of cleaning up to do.

 

Chapter 9

8 months later.

Reena opened the door and was jubilant. She let out a little shriek as she hugged Shalini. Sid waited his turn and also gave a quick hug to Reena as they all entered. It was Baskhar and Reena’s co-ed baby shower. It was also the first time Sid and Shalini were going to an event together. Months after the Milwaukee Sikh Temple incident, Sid had bumped into Shalini at a local community vigil. She had heard through the grapevine that he was back in town, and that he had somehow saved Reena’s life.

It had been a bumpy road for Shalini too. She had married someone who she never felt compatible with but through the urges of her parents, complied. She tried for a couple of years to love the man that took care of her so well, but couldn’t find that special something that binds people together. Eventually even he got tired of trying, and also noticed that something was definitely missing. They found it harder and harder to maintain the semblance of a relationship. She knew it was her fault – first entering into a marriage just to appease her parents, and then not being able to love someone who was genuinely so caring. It was he who finally called it off, citing that he was too tired of just keeping up appearances. He was angry – he had a right to be. He said some things that he only partially meant, things that made her wonder if she would ever be happy, or if she would ever truly be capable of love.

She picked up smoking when it ended, it was all she could do to not completely lose control. The girl that was always hidden behind the scenes was now thrust into the limelight. Everybody talked about her. Eventually they reconciled, and he was finally glad that they had split. He remarried quickly, and was on the way to becoming a father. She was happy for him, and even spoke heartily to his new wife when they would all bump into each other.

That first conversation with Sid was refreshing. He didn’t know much about her misgivings and even if he did, he didn’t seem to care. She was also enamored by his mysteriousness as she always had been. That shy boy in college had grown up to become a very complex man. She had so many questions, about Iraq, his parents, that night he saved Reena, or what happened to him. Mostly she found herself wondering if he was okay. Before they stepped away she reminded him, “You never returned my call.”

“Your call?” he questioned.

“You don’t remember? Back in College, I left you a message and you never even bothered to call back,” she clarified. “Are you still that rude?” she asked plainly.

Sid laughed. “I’m worse,” he joked back.

The next day he finally returned that phone call.

At the baby shower, as expected, Baskhar made some disparaging comments about how healthy his sperm was. Everybody laughed, Sid just shook his head. At some point in the afternoon he glanced over at Reena and remembered why he had fallen in love with her in the first place. She was beautiful, patient and simple. She accepted Baskhar for who he was, and with every glance she gave Baskhar, you could tell that she always had his back. Sid smiled, and looked over at Shalini. He walked up and gave her a kiss on the cheek, it would be the first time he had ever displayed that type of affection in public. Reena noticed, and smiled also.

 

Chapter 10

Sid sat at the dining table with his parents. He knew he had some damage to repair but it came easier than he thought. Of course he apologized and mentioned that he was getting help through therapy, but just him making an effort turned everything around. He hadn’t realized how different his Dad had become over the years. No longer was he the strict enforcer of the family, now he relaxed and loved to laugh. That night he told his parents that he was dating a girl, and that she was Hindu. He didn’t expect his parents to object and they didn’t. His mom asked Sid to invite her for dinner the next week, and already started planning what she was going to cook.

After dinner, while his Dad was watching television, he walked into his parents’ bedroom where his Mother was unwinding. She was pulling pins out of her hair and started rambling as soon as he walked in. He sat her down and they talked for a bit. She knew that it was his way of making things right, but never made him feel like he needed to. He mentioned the hard times that he had been through, but she didn’t pay it much attention, only mentioning that in life everyone has to go through many things. As he finally got up, he handed her an envelope that had her name neatly written on the front. She would open it that night after her husband had fallen asleep and would stay awake for hours reeling from the contents inside.

That next Friday, as Sid sat down for afternoon prayer, he felt like he was praying for the first time. Thoughts of Reena, Shalini, his parents, and that old man in Iraq swam through his mind but didn’t penetrate. This time he prayed, knowing that thoughts will arrive just like they depart, but that in this moment he was just a man, alive, breathing and grateful for the opportunity to do so.